Grace, Peace, and Thanks to you, good friends and allies. I come to you with fish and chips in celebration of man’s domination of the seas. I decide it’d be a good idea to eat on a boat, and we are capsized by a great white shark. Once we hit the water, octopi wrap our legs and pull us beneath the water’s surface. Sharks kill many of us, but some of our friends are dragged to the bottom of the sea, where giant spider crabs crawl upon them and pinches their appendages. We all die a horrific and terrible death. I was an arrogant bastard for putting us in that situation, and I’m sorry.

This morning, while my wife and I were driving to work, we begna discussing violence and horror in Pixar’s beloved animated features. We talked about Sid in Toy Story, and my wife brought up the barracuda attack at the beginning of Finding Nemo. My response was, “Oh yeah, that was terrifying.” She laughed and asked why, to which I responded, without thinking, was “Well, Jamie, how you gonna fight that. The sea is full of aquatic killers.” We laughed together at that point, but then I began thinking about it further and said, “Think about it, when you face a dangerous aquatic creature, you are always on their turf.” And you know what, and I write this now because I don’t get to makeclaims like this very often. I’m right.

An encounter with a dangerous fish or underwater crustacean always happens in an arena that favors said creature. WE are not at home in the water, and they are; and I think that’s what makes them so scary. Of course, Sharks and Barracuda’s can also rise out of teh water to attack boaters, surfers, and other seafarers. I fear this fish. I fear them. Listen, a shark, a shark will ruin your day if it wants to, and don’t get me started on Piranhas. They will bite you to the bone and smile the whole time. Below I have embedded several youtube videos of aquatic creatures doing their job, and well, business is good.

Agree or disagree? Hit up a comment.

Here is a video of a Shark enjoying a snack. It’s pretty much one of the scariest things ever. Imagine if you were that seal, floating on some driftwood. Yeah, Game Over.

Are those enormouse Spider-crabs that could kill a kid. yeah, Probably. Imagine seeing one of those in your pool. PIZZZZZ in the bathing suit.

Wait is that an octocpus attacking a guy’s face. YEAH, THAT’s EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!!!!! This video makes 1 of 2 things happen. Pizz your pants, Deuce your shorts. No holding-it-in option.

Oh what’s this…oh yeah, here’s some piranhas killing a mouse with rap music playing the background…that mouse is running…oh, now it is vapor…that could be my hand. OH, yeah, that looks like fun. I fear.

GRACE, PEACE, and THANKS to each and every one of you. I apologize for my previous reviews, neither of which included a greeting. I have failed you all, and I give you a whip with which to punish me. I deserve it.

Marriage is fun. You love someone. Someone loves you. You both love each other. You have this sense of self-assurance and secure companionship. You have the comfort of another’s affection and respect. You get to do all those things you heard about as a youth but weren’t allowed to do–you know, like watch R-rated movies alone in the dark. Plus, I am pretty sure you get a tax break. Bottom line, Marriage is a good thing. Sometimes, though, it is okay to want time to yourself and enjoy said time when you have it. This isn’t to say you WANT your spouse to leave you alone and let you do what you want. It just means that if your spouse wants to go out or take a trip with his/her buddies, it’s okay to take the time and space you get and enjoy it. Your spouse knows you love them, and you know they love you. So, it’s okay to take the time you’re given and make the most of it for what it is.

This past weekend, my wife and her best friend took a trip to San Diego, and I was left to my own devices from Friday afternoon to Sunday night. I had no idea what I was gonna do with that 48+ hours, so I just played it by ear. And I had a nice relxing weekend. When my wife got home I was excited to tell her about it and hear about her time away in return. Looking back, I see that 5 primary tenants drove my weekend and led me to really enjoy it. In case you can’t think of what to do next time your spouse is away, here are the five rules I put into practice, and I recommend you do the same next time you get a few days to yourself.

1) Watch some great films your spouse wouldn’t want to watch with you. I’m talking about niche flics that you haven’t seen before or that you love and haven’t seen for a while. I rented two and saw one in the theatre in addition to watching several we own. Check out this line up:

Horror: Slither
Sci-Fi : Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Kung-Fu: Enter the Dragon
70s Exploitation: Vigilante
Foreign/Hong Kong Action: The Killer
Cult Classic: The Warriors
Comedy: The 40 Year-Old Virgin
Comic: Spider-man 2 & Ghost Rider

2) Watch a disc of a TV show your wife doesn’t like. For me, this was disc 2 of Battlestar Galactica, season 2.0; and it was excellent.
3) Husbands, leave the toilet seat up. Wives,…uh…enjoy having to not worry about your husband leaving the seat up.
4) Spend time on a hobby and make a mess doing it. I like to customize action figures, and all day Saturday, I had parts, paints, glue, and all manner of trash scattered in our front room. It was so realxing and EASY to work with everything out and available to me.
5) Eat Whenever you want and stay up late. Dinner at 10:30, and in bed by 4 AM??? Yep, that’ll work!!!!

Now, please, please, please, don’t think I am saying, “I can never do these things when she’s around”. I’m not saying that at all. In fact, my wife is THE BEST woman I know, and she gives me fair reign on my time and the house whenever I want it. Out of respect for her and HER space, however, I try to watch films with her that she would enjoy as well and keep messes to a minimum since it is her house as well. So, don’t get me wrong and think I have no fun. I have plenty. I’m just saying that when she’s gone, I had a different kind of fun, and I hope you have just as much the next time you have a weekend by yourself.

SONG OF THE POST: “Somewhere in my Memory” played by Michael Chertock from his piano album, Christmas at the Movies

I’m not gonna spend a lot of time on Ghost Rider because I hated it. I’ll just say this. I went into to Ghost Rider expecting one good one-liner and one-good fight. Not only did I not get either, but everything on screen sucked. I hated it. HATED IT!!!

Look, the writer/director of this movie also wrote Daredevil, one of my favorite comic book movies of all time, but I loved Daredevil in spite of itself. It was flawed and awkward at times, but becuase of my love for the character of Daredevil. Ghost Rider proves that this director really does not really do it for me. I don’t get his way of telling story. I don’t understand his goals and intentions. If you do, that’s awesome, more power to you. I just don’t get it. As far as I could tell, Ghost Rider had no theme, no real plot, and the most disappointing Hero vs. Cop battle of all time. Anytime the hero must escape jail or fight the cops I love it, and I think its the best. When this started in Ghost Rider, I was so excited…only to be more and more disappointed…

Seriously, I can think of no reason to sit through this movie. I was desperately looking for a single iota of pleasure, but by the end, I just wanted to die…I would have rather LEFT THE EARTH than finish this movie. I hated it that much. I don’t usually try to recommend or discourage people from seeing certain flics because I realize other people have didn’t tastes than I do, but I am going to go out on a limb and encourage everyone to avoid this movie. I hated, hated, hated Ghost Rider. It is the Alien Resurrection of Comic Book Movies! It…it’s just….I didn’t like it at all….Ghost Rider gets a 1…a 1 out of 7…a 14%….ugh.

SONG OF THE POST: “Speed Demon” by Michael Jackson, from BAD

The Killer is arguably the quitessential John Woo Hong Kong Action flic. It follows the story of a hitman who is betrayed by his employers following a job wherein he was seen. Pretty straightforward stuff, right? Well, no. John Woo’s Shoot-to-kill action opera is more about relationships and honor in the underworld. It’s a film of tragedy, revenge, friendship, honor, and justice. It’s just awesome. It’s AWESOME!!!

The first time I saw The Killer was in high school with my buddy Dave. During the movie, a huge gunfight happens at an ocean-view house (one of my favorite locations for combat); and both my friend and I were happy with it, feeling the movie had concluded and The Killer had won and gotten the girl…Well, then about 7 minutes later, another fight begins in a church, and I remember that both Dave and I were quiet throughout the whole movie; but when we saw an army of henchmen running toward the church, he just uttered the sound, “AAAAAAAAWE”—not the cutesy “aaawe” when you see a baby, but an “AAAWWWE” like when you see a bus crash into a train. And once he said that the action began, and it was insane! I remember both of us were BUZZING!!!

Nearly ten years later, the Buzz is not only still there, it’s stronger than ever, because now I can actually follow the story and understand the theme. I love The Killer. It’s not one of my all-time favorite films, but I still love it. It’s soooo good. The performances, the choreography, the insanity, the drama, the comedy, the everything. I mean, this movie has it all, and it has it all in spades. It’s…it’s just spectacular.

In my opinion, certain stories transcend time and place, meaning that you could take the essential elements of plot and character and insert them into any time and place, and they would still work. They’d still resonate and have meaning, and The Killer is that kind of story, and I LOVE IT!!! This story could be re-made in the jungles of Africa or streets of 16th century London, and it would still be just as exciting and powerful. I would love to make an adaptation of this movie in a different time and place. It’d work and be awesome.

The Killer gets a 6 for being an amazing story with epic action and well-developed drama that transcends time and place. Acutally, no I’m gonna round up TO A 7 cause I can’t think of anything dislike in this flic. I love every minute of it, from what’s being said onscreen to what’s being communicated in the subtext. Man, I love this movie. It is an insanely good gunslinger flic with all the comedy, tragedy, and theme of the greatest works in literary history. It’s amazing!

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is the second best Star Trek film I’ve ever seen–the first is Star Trek: First Contact, one of my all-time favorite movies, period. Anyway, listen, The Wrath of Khan is dated and some people will be unable to get into it and accept it; but they can talk about that on their sites. On my site, I got nothing but praise. This movie is awesome. I loved it! And I will defend it forever til I die in a pit of snakes and fire.

First, a disclaimer. I never watched a single episode of the original Star Trek, and I only saw the movies as a child, so I didn’t understand any of them. However, I have a lot of knowledge and ancillary attachment to the characters of the original Star Trek universe because I am a sci-fi fanboy, and one can’t really be in the sci-fi/action figure scene without having names like Gorn, Spock, Kirk, Bones, Chekov, Sulu, Scotty, Ohura, and Klingon thrown around like rice at a wedding. That being said, I came to this movie with no actual emotional attachment but a solid affinity and expectation to see who these characters, about whom I have heard so much, really are. Man, did I get a wonderful surprise. My expectations were not only met but exceeded. I’ll get into Characters later. First, I wanna talk about something that happened while watching this flic, something wonderful.

The Wrath of Khan is the only movie I can remember solidly clapping for in the middle of the movie, and I’m not talking two claps and a cheer. I clapped like I was applauding a major public speaker. I won’t say at what part I gave this applause, I’ll just say that it poured out of me like milk from a carton, and the movie just kept getting better. I’m not going to get into the full plot here, but it’s an epic revenge tragedy combining elements of three different scripts into a cohesive, consistently entertaining piece of sci-fi opera. And it’s a great structure through which the movie showcases great characters, relationships, and action.

Bones….Dr. Hank McKoy…that cantankerous, sarcastic bastard is perhaps my favorite character in all of Star Trek lore—and that’s saying something cause I love the Star Trek: The Next Generation cast, Levar Burton, Patrick Stewart, Jonathan Frakes. Bones is so funny and biting with his many comments throughout this movie that I was more excited to hear him speak than see spaceships battles.

Speaking of spaceship battles, Khan delivers in spades. Listen, the action isn’t like not Star Wars or Serenity, it’s a more slow and, I would say, TENSE style of fighting that has more in common with Swashbuckling pirate movies than its sci-fi peers. The ships move around each other, make a pass and shoot the crap out of each other. It’s great—the battles in Khan are much better than any of the space battles in ANY of the Star Wars Prequels.

The last reason I loved this movie is Khan himself. When Khan speaks, he channels the ghost of Shakespeare and says the best, most awesome things I have ever heard a villain say. Khan doesn’t see himself as a spiteful space pirate, he sees himself as a wrongfully imprisoned and misunderstood freedom fighter who is seeking just vengeance for the good of the universe, and he treats himself with the respect and grandeur of a revolutionary. He is awesome. He’s freaking amazing! I am listing a few of his best quotes below:

To his pilot, “Full power! Damn you!”
To Kirk, “I’ve done far worse than kill you, Admiral. I’ve hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her: marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet, buried alive. Buried alive.”
Describing an alien creature to Chekov, “You see, their young enter through the ears and wrap themselves around the cerebral cortex. This has the effect of rendering the victim extremely susceptible to suggestion. Later as they grow follows madness and death.”
To Kirk, “Kirk, my old friend, do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? [pause] It is very cold in space!
To Kirk, “To the last, I will grapple with thee.”
To Kirk, “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee. For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.”
In a speech to his men, “I’ll chase him ’round the moons of Nibia and ’round the Antares Maelstrom and ’round perdition’s flames before I give him up.”
To Kirk, “You are in a position to demand *nothing*. I, on the other hand, am in a position to *grant* nothing.
To his men, regarding the crew of the enterprise, “Let them eat static.”
To Kirk, “Surely I have made my meaning plain. I mean to avenge myself upon you, Admiral. I deprived your ship of power, and when I swing around I mean to deprive you of your life.”

That stuff is priceless. Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan gets an easy 6 from me, it’s not one of my favorite movies ever, but it’s one of the best movies I’ve seen in a great while. Man, I enjoyed this flick so much, “from hell’s heart, I stab at thee. For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.” Soooo good.

I am failry self-effacing when it comes to my intelligence; and today will stand as an example of my right to be so. I had a mug of coffee, and a granola bar. What’s ridiculous is that I felt dipping the granola bar into the coffee would be a great idea. Now, anyone with more sense than me, including most fish and children, would have realized that the structural stability of a granola bar would not withstand the heat and saturation of warm coffee and felt this to be a less-than-stellar venture. Well, once again, they have proven smarter than I, for as I write this, half my granola is disintegrating into my coffee….mmmmm, a little piece of heaven in every sip….

WARNING: The video embedded below includes profanity.

As a child, I tried to watch every episode of Siskel and Ebert. I loved these guys, and I still enjoy Ebert to this day. BUT despite my love for their show, this behind-the-scenes promo recording this may be the best footage of the two of them together. It’s hilarious for two reasons. First, it seems they don’t really like each other or, at least, were upset with one another at the time of the shoot, which made for great banter. They insult one another openly with venom and spite, and it’s excellent. Second, they ebcome friends again, but only after they begin to mutually make fun of nationality and organized religion. If this were the scene in a movie, it’d be lauded over and praised becuase the way this thing plays out is so funny and unexpected that when it ends, you don’t even know what to think. So check it out if off-color humor and profanity don’t bother you.

Grace, peace, thanks, and my most sincere apologies. In humble atonement to all of you for my failure to post on Saturday, I take a baby calf and I punt kick off off the cliffs of Scottland into the cold waters below. I hope you can forgive me.

The site was down last night while I was hoping to update, but that’s really no excuse. I apologize for not posting and disappointing all three of you who check the site regularly.

First and Foremost thanks to Chandler, Bobby, Dean, and Ned who commented at the prior blogger address, and thank you to Matty, Dean, Chandler, Bobby, Joe, and Brenda for commenting on the new site.

Second, Thanks to everyone who e-mailed me personally with encouraging words about the new site and design. Your words really really meant alot over the last week, and I appreciate them so much.

Third, Special thanks to Jason, who was very instrumental in my continual posting and building of a personal site. AND EXTRA-SUPER-ULTRA-THANKS-3000 to Joe, my brother-in-law, who set the new site up and walked me through the formatting and updating processes. He is the builder of this site, I am merely the caretaker.

Fourth,Lots of movie reviews and articles coming this week. I watched a half dozen flicks over the course of the weekend, some of which begin with new letters for the meview archive.

Fifth, at last check-up, 300 was still caryying the strong 100% on rotten tomatoes. Nice.

Movie Moment of the week:“Warriors, Come out to PLAAAYYY—EEE” from the film, The Warriors.

Simpsons quote-of-week. From HOMER = “Alright, I’ll let him…but then I get a chipwich, okay.” from the episode “Homer and Apu”.

REASON-MY-WIFE-IS-AWESOME-OF-THE-WEEK: My wife loves Donkey kong Country for SNES and has been dominating the game all week. Good Job, sweetheart. I love you.

SONG OF THE POST: “Two Rivers” by Jeff Beck.

Grace, Peace, and Thanks to you. On this Friday, Let us Thank God, for it is Friday.

My Friends, good news from the heavens. 300, the unflinchingly epic and brutal new comic adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel of the same name is boasting early, glowing reviews!!!! Now, this is in and of itself good news, but the fact that I came across nearly two weeks prior to the film’s realease is even better. Why?

1) When a studio shows press screenings this early in advance it means they have confidence in the film and want to generate buzz early enough that people are clamoring for tickets days before the movie opens.

2) These reviews came from major internet movie sites and trade publications of Tinseltown, representing the two major types of media from which film criticism is broadcast. These two types of outlets appeal to different readers, and, at times, have very different outlooks on films. Both showing unanimous praise could prove an excellent omen.

3) Oh, and of course, Positive reviews are, well, positive reviews; and they tend to be a good litmus test for the film’s overall, as-objective-as-film-can-be quality.

Sadly, the site I found this from, Rottentomatoes.com could have received negative feedback since the time of this writing; and as a result, the movie’s 100% may no longer be accurate. However, as of right now, 10:25 PST, 300 is strong with 100% at 5 reviews, two of which are from the Hollywood trade papers,Variety and The Hollywood Reporter!!!

Check out the current score as of the time of your reading, HERE

Also, as a sign of my ever abundant thanks, I have embedded a trailer for the movie 300 below!!!

Grace, Peace, and Thanks to you. I give you the gift song…

Song of the Post Archive, which will constantly be updated, is now up!