Okay, here’s the thing with A Man Apart. Great idea/central theme. Great acting from Diesel, the always-charismatic Timothy Olyphant, and several other main stars. Terrible execution everywhere else. Frankly, this is the type of movie that really gets me frustrated because when I read between the lines and see what is being attempted–though not accomplished–I really dig the flic; however, the fact that the movie fails to capitalize on the core idea driving it makes me crazy.

Here’s the deal. The movie is essentially about manipulation and how a good man’s obsessions can be used for evil. Of course, you’d never get that just watching the film at face value–at face value, you only get a C-rate cop movie with a relatively incoherent story, poor action sequences (less one fantastic shoot-out), and a few okay moments with Diesel or Olyphant.That’s it.

So, I gotta give A Man Apart a 3. That’s the best I can do. I really, really want to like it, but I don’t–cause it just doesn’t execute the fantastic ideas behind the story. Because I look between the lines, I like it better, but I shouldn’t have to do that…not in a movie like this. Frankly, the execution is just lame. lame and disappointing–but like I said before the actors do well, and there is one fantastic gunfight, so I think a 3 is a fair rating.

Really not much to say about this. I give The Abyss a 2. I don’t get it. I didn’t really enjoy it while watching it; and frankly, I haven’t really enjoyed thinking about it after the fact–particularly because I’ve been trying very hard to figure out what I missed that makes the movie such a beloved work to many of my friends.

It’s not that I think it’s terrible; I don’t. The scene in which Ed Harris resurrects Mary Stuart Masterson is one of the most dramatic I’ve seen in a sci-fi flic. Also, there’s nothing in the movie I can point to and say, “SEE, that didn’t work. It’s bad.” My dislike of The Abyss has nothing to do with its inherent quality. I’m sure many people enjoy it and love it with great reasons and found things in it to which they really connect. I just don’t.

It’s just my taste–but what’s weird is that it isn’t my taste. Accounting all factors, I should love The Abyss. I love water as an environment for action in films. I totally dig Ed Harris and Michal Beihn. I dig alien movies. I dig special effects…The Abyss contains loads of elements I thought I would totally enjoy, but I don’t. It’s sad but true. Some movies just don’t do it for us. Oh well. To those who dig it, more power to you.

America: From Freedom to Facism is one of those movies that is meant to inspire its viewers to action, to start a revolution, and to bring down the curtain to reveal the wizard behind it. Frankly, it almost works. It’s a solid piece of filmmaking with some staggering frightening information–that is, if the information is true.

Unfortunately, I’m unsure how much of it is. There are some major holes in the film’s key argument: that Americans are not required to file a 1040 or pay income tax (which they are, I discovered at a bit of research) and that the country is slowly being destroyed and its people enslaved. Now, this is not an anti-Bush documentary like so many others of this current period in history; no, this is a condemnation of the invisible hand controlling every administration. Again, this is all highly speculative, but that does not make it any less intriguing or sincere. Frankly, unlike a Michal Moore doc, Freedom to Facism actually seems honest, with a desire to expose frauds despite the need for speculation in order to so. The film really seems like a desperate attempt on the part of the filmmaker to get Americans afraid and rallied to action because his fear is real, and his desire to do good is genuine.

The reason he doesn’t succeed with me as a viewer is that the documentary in full seems to fall victim to “slippery-slope” antireasoning which makes the whole thing seem more silly than inspiring. A great deal of speculation is used in the film to make the case for these assertions, and just going on the filmmakers’ word is difficult, especially given the current climate of distrusting filmmakers in the documentary genre. Of course, this is only a conclusion I reached after the film ended, while watching it, I was completely immersed and concerned; it was not until I took inventory of the presented information that I realized just how speculative it was.

All that taken into account, I am giving America: Freedom to Facism a tentative 5. It is interesting food for thought even if it may not be accurate, and I am unsure if I think its really a movie that the undiscerning viewer should see. I am not sure what else to say–oh, wait I am, as of this post, the full movie is available on Google, so I will say this: Check it out here, and let me know what you think!

Okay,I decided to really follow up on what I said yesterday and really try to cut these meviews into quick and readable blurbs. I’m doing it all week, so let me know what you think.

Okay, Arachnophobia is a horror movie about spiders–which is great because Spiders are terrifying as hell itself. The movie stars Jeff Daniels and features some wonderful moments with Jon Goodman, but the later actor is underused. Overall the movie is your standard B-movie fair. It starts slow with a few scares and builds up to a finale wherein the bulk of the budget is spent on a big bang-of-an-ending. So, you’d think it should get a 3 from me. BUT there is something else. Seriously, and this is not hyperbole, even if I hated every other minute of this film–which I didn’t, I actually thought it was fine–the end battle between Jeff Daniels and the Spider-general is amazing. It’s not good–not “good”–IT’S AMAZING. It grabs shots from the Evil Dead trilogy, and it features combat unlike any other. I never felt so unsure of a 6′ man’s victory vs. a 7″ foe . I would even say I like it more than the Sam vs. Shelob fight from The Return of the King, which was my previous title-holder for “greatest battle of man vs. spider.”

So, yeah, awesome final battle, great scary concept, with some B-movie pacing and build up–I’m letting it all average out to a 4. It is a pretty slow build up to that amazing finale. However, I will say that if the movie was cut down to a short film entitled, “MAN vs. SPIDER: To the Death”, it would receive an easy 7.

I’m not a big fan of the Austin Powers franchise, but I am a huge fan of the first film in the series. You know what, I can’t remember the last movie that made me laugh AS often AS heartily as Austin POwers:International Man of Mystery does. This movie is hilarious.

It’s success lies fully with Mike Myers. Not only did Myers act in both of the lead roles, that of Austin Powers and Dr. Evil, he also wrote a clever, humorous spoof–perhaps one of the few spoofs I would say is MORE entertaining than the type of film it Lampoons. I know this may upset some people, but I have always found the first to be a better movie than any Pre-Daniel-Craig Bond film. Yes, I think Austin is more charming and entertaining than any of the actual secret agents he lampoons, whether it be Moore, Connery, or whoever else I’ve seen. Frankly, it’s because of Myers’ script and uncanny duel protrayals in the film; they’re so solid it’s ridiculous. I would venture a guess that the average movie watcher would not know Dr. Evil and Powers were played by the same actor unless they were told.

But the movie is about more than just lampooning the time and era of Bond’s glory days. It’s a commentary on where culture has traveled as a result of that era. It’s a theme-oriented film about the relationship to past, present, and future, specifically in regard to trendsetting and social moores. Frankly, the movie is quite astute in many of its observations of not only genre movemaking but also the 60s themselves and how they were experienced and are now remembered. It’s fascinating how much commentary Myers fits into his near-perfect script. As a writer myself, I was in awe of how well-constructed the story movements and gags were written. It’s just so clever. In fact, it’s so clever that even when it goes to grabbing at laughs from base crude humor, it cleverly turns the joke on its head to create multi-layered gags. The “Who does Number 2work for” gag particularly comes to mind, as you have the bas poop joke, the play on words, and the reactionary gag, all playing against one another. It’s just smart writing, even with its most base material On top of this, the movie also features delightful side characters and fun, ridiculous action sequences we’ve seen a hundred times before but not done nearly as well.

Overall, this first outing by the international man of mystery gets a very solid 7 from me. it’s one of my favorite comedies of all time.

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Army of Darkness is ridiculously awesome. Something about this movie just connects and resonates with me (and hordes of other fans). The humor and action only get better with each subsequent viewing, and I enjoy all of it from front to back.

From Burce Campbell’s infamous and quotable dialogue, to the choreography and shot selection, Army of Darkness stands as a very unique addition to the horror genre. It’s more of a comedy and adventure than scarefest, but the elements of gore and goth make it impossible to classify elsewhere. The genre-melding of all theese things just helps to enhance its overall unique identity in a landscape of genre films; and I think that’s one of the many reasons it’s become such a huge cult classic.

I’ll be honest, the movie aint’ perfect. In fact, it’s porduction values, less Raimi’s directing, really echo the made-for-TV “action pack” flics of the early 90s; and the acting is less than stellar at points. However, those are minor qualms for film critics, not guys who just watch alot of movies for fun. As far as I am concerned, Armny of Darkness has no glaring weaknesses to detract from its overall goodness, and I will always enjoy it.

I am giving Army of Darkness a very strong 7 out of 7 from my personal scale. I enjoy it each time I watch it, and its quotable dialogue and memorable moments are forever solidified and cherished in my heart. It is an undeniable favorite of mine. Army of Darkness is rated R for violence, horrific images, profanity, and breif sexual content.

When I first got The Criterion DVD of Armageddon, I showed it to a film professor of mine who said “They’re are Armageddon people and there are Deep impact people. You’re Aramgeddon people.” I don’t know what he meant by this, but I am prettyy sure it was an affront, since he highly praised Deep Impact as “the better picture”. Weel, that’s fine. Whatever “better” means, I am sure that Deep Impact is, BUT here is the bottom line on Armageddon: To me, it is the story of the MALE DREAM to the fullest, to the nth degree, to the max.

Here’s why Armageddon affects me so deeply. I have worked job-after-job just hoping that someone would come along and ask me to leave my mundane or evern “nice” and doing something extraordinary or be a hero. That’s the whole concept behind Armageddon. It’s the end of the world, let’s get Joe-Schmo blue-collar to be its savior. DAMN STRAIGHT. If someone came to me and said the world was ending, and I was part of the dream team to save it, I’d piss myself with joy and get on board. Armgeddon gives me that cartharsis. It says to me, “You never know when Your skills will really come in handy. Anyone can be a hero. Everyone can be a hero. YOU can be hero.” How good does that make me feel–good enough to write this review with enthusiasm of a fanboy at the premiere of X2.

ON top of that, I just enjoy the flic. Say what you want about Michael vay, but the man delivers fast and fun pace 100% of the time he gets behind a camera (maybe not in Pearl Harbor). Frankly, I love his ADD-generation filmmaking style, and I particularly the way his movies look. They’re what “Summer Blockbusters” are all about. The movie boasts fun, memorable characters; some emotional moments; some great action; and laughs aplenty, with a soundtrack and special effects to back it all up. It’s the total action movie package so far as I can see, and I really get a kick out of it each and everytime I pop it into the DVD player.

Armageddon gets a 6 from me. I forget how much I enjoy it until I am actually watching it, at which point, I fall in love with the concept and characters all over again.

PS - I had a crush on a girl in junior high school, and she totally played me like a chump when we went to see this with a group of friends. She sat next to me, took my hand part way through, and squeezed when she was scared. Bottom line, this movie could have been Bruce Willis eating cereal for 120 minutes, and I would still remember it fondly.

PSS - I say “played me like a chump” becuase I am convicnced she was doing it to make another guy jealous. Ha ha, lucky me!

Along Came A Spider is a pseudo sequel to Kiss the Girls. But it is not nearly as good. Monica Potter is not as good as Ashley Judd, and Morgan Freeman is not nearly as suave and cool this time around. He’s pensive and tense and not nearly as fun to watch. And while the flic starts off from the crazy CGI car crash that shocked me plenty, it didn’t continue well after that. There is an okay plot with a few mundane plot movements, but I was never majorly hooked or entertained. I was jsut kinda hoping they’d wrap things up. They do, with two good, unforeseen twists; but what is a twist if the story in which it happens doesn’t have you gripped.

The story is fairly simple: Monica Potter plays a secret service agent whose object of protection is kidnapped. She then unites with Morgan Freeman’s character Alex Cross. They thwart further attempts while continuing to pursue the kidnapper, and so-on-and-so-forth. Like I said, there are twists, so I won’t get into it.

I’ve really said all there is to say. I didn’t have all the much of a connection or interest to it. Along Came A Spider is gonna get a 3 from me. It has a solid car crash, and interesting twists; but overall, it’s just an average, mundane movie.

Grace, peace, and thanks to you, friends and family alike. I go to a beach and dive into the wide, blue Pacific Ocean. As I swim, I ride the largest wave that I can and it crashes me into the sandy surf below. While I lay there in the salty current, a jellyfish stings my back and it burns, it burns as fire. I ask each of you to pee on the wound to dilute the sting even though it is in appropriate for me to do so.

That was an inappropriate favor to ask, and I am sorry. But speaking of inappropriate, Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto is one of the more thought provoking films I’ve seen in a while. It’s not becauseof the violence, it’s not because of the story. In all honesty, Apocalypto made me think because of its thesis–that when the Conquistadors came to South America, it was the Mayan’s time to fall; and they were, in essence, the engineers of their own demise. Now the reason I cite this as possibly being “inappropriate” is that revisionist history over the years has taught America’s youth, of which I was once a member, that the world of the Mayan’s was a beautiful and wonderful place prior to the evil Catholic Conquistadors conquest and pillaging of the land. According to current teachings in our schools, the European travelers not only did all manner of wickedness and betrayal to the indiginous peoples of Central America, they destroyed an entire culture of beauty and sophistication that the world and human civilization as a whole should love and admire.

Well, Gibson doesn’t see it that way, and I LOVE THAT ABOUT HIM. Look, say what you will about Mel Gibson–his drunkeness, his anti-semetic rant, his overly violent filmmaking, whatever. The man is not only a gifted visual storyteller, he is gutsy. Gibson finances his projects himself, taking 100% of the risk on himself for the ability to tell stories he believes are worth telling. He is an artist; he is an auteur; he is a filmmaker! And this film, like his last, has a clear thesis and distinct message, and that polarizes people. And that is OKAY. In fact, I love it.

The revisionist Historians of our day will loathe the barbric depiction of the beloved Mayan culture, but Gibson doesn’t care. He shows what he believes to be an authentic representation of that culture, and it IS barbaric. In fact, it’s worse. For all the grandeur of the Mayan Culture, there is also death, sorrow, and gross depravity. Depravity? No! YES!!! The Mayans at their pinnacle were not unlike the Romans. People forget that Mayans used to sacrifice HUMAN BEINGS on a regular basis to the point that the blood and decomposed and diseased flesh of the dead literally poisoned the lands. They also happened to destroy the lives and cultures of dozens of native people groups throughout Central America. So, yeah, the conquistadors may not have been saints, but as Gison shows, maybe the Mayan’s had it coming.

Therein lies the movie’s greatest strength. The story is a simple one. The acting is fantastic. The action is good. BUT the fact that Gibson recreates a slice of life from the Mayan culuture and says, “Maybe, it was time for this civilization to end” is really what made me enjoy this thing. I felt completely immersed in the world of the Mayans, and like the movie’s hero, I too felt the fear, the disgust, and the overall immensity of the Mayan Empire, and I am really glad I took the trip–particularly because I was just watching and not being murdered like the characters. If I were actually in the hero’s place, I would have both pooped and pizzed myself, probably a few times.

On a closing note, I find it highly ironic that the Academy praises and rewards a dude that boinked a girl and fled the country (Roman Polanski) but then snubs a guy who, in a drunken stupor, made horrible racist comments. It’s good to know that they believe the former behavior is much more acceptable than the latter. It’s encouraging.

Apocalypto gets a 5 of 7 from me because I loved Gibson’s courageous representation of culture and events I would never have experienced otherwise. I applaud Mr. Gibson’s creativity and excellence in storytelling, the more I muse on it, the more I enjoy it. Apocalypto is rated “R” for an implied sexual situation, crass humor, gore, constant violence, profanity, and nudity (as women who lived in the jungle did not always wear shirts. It’s very asexual nudity).

SONG OF THE POST: “To Die For” from Disney’s The Lion King soundtrack.

UPDATE: UNDER THE NEW RATING SCALE DELEVOPED 2/16/07, Adventures in Babysitting retains a 3.
Friends and allies across this wonderful world of ours, Grace. Peace. And Thanks…to you.

The 80s was an interesting decade for cinema, but for every enjoyable, genuinely well-made movie like Top Gun, Return of the Jedi, Aliens, Predator, and When Harry Met Sally, there was an enjoyable, fairly bad movie like The Breakfast Club, Roadhouse, and Dirty Dancing. The latter set here actually tend to be the most openly rememberd movies of the decade as they were relatively silly movies that happened to find a very loyal and dedicated audience of those who needed the movie’s simplistic and accessible outlook on the world. Adventures in Babysitting is a member of this camp. While I did not particularly like it, I can see other people loving it in spite of itself. I am the same way with Roadhouse, my best firend is the same way with They Live. The eighties just had these types of movies in spades. So, that being said, if you love Adventures in Babysitting, that’s awesome, I am really happy you were able to connect with it and relate to its characters. Please, please, please don’t let this review cause you to judge your own taste. I would argue that everyone in my generation has an eigthties guilty pleasure– I happen to have several myself.

Adventures in Babysitting should have actually been entitled Misadaventures in Babysitting since the movie is more of a comedy of errors and unlikely circusmstances rather than a commentary on the actual difficulty of babysitting. But that’s not the point, I know. The point of this movie is to deliver a few laughs. In part, the movie actually delivers. Adventures is the story of sweet, overly-trusting babysitter Chris Park (played by Eleizabeth Shue) as she takes the children she’s babysitting into the big city in order to rescue a friend who has run away from home. As a result of Chris’ efforts, she and the kids get into a series of calamities, some muhc funnier and cheesier than others. The film has a few surpises and laughs, but these are not as consistent and frequent as one would like or expect with a movie that boasts such a promising premise as wide-eyed suburban kids being lost in the city at night.

Also, I must admit that I had a personal major qualm with the film that left a bad a taste in my mouth. The film has the obligatory young guy in love with the babysitter subplot, but it doesn’t really go anywhere. The young boy stands up for the girl, expresses his adoration, and even gets stabbed in the foot for her, but her cold reaction to him is hugely out of place in this type of film. I expected her to at least toss him a kiss or encouragement that he’s gonna find someone, but the movie doesn’t really allow for that. Sure, Chris speaks well of the young boy to others; but in this type of movie, I had a reasonable expectation for her to at least tease him and give him hopes of something. Yeah, it may not have been honest of her, but the hope and dream of the possibility would have made the guy’s year. This aspect was too starkly real to fit into this slapstick situation-based comedy; and as I most related to that young guy who was crushing on his babysitter, I was sad for him throughout much of the movie. The fact that they didn’t cash-in on this subplot with SOMETHING is probably the biggest disappointment I’ve experienced in a film for some time. But this just me ranting, really; and I can see many people being unaffected by this lack of payoff.

Adventures in Babysitting receives a moderate 3 out of 7. This is no masterpiece. It’s an eighties cult flic with just enough camp and comedy to survive beyond the year in which it was made. I am sure many people love this movie, and I am happy for them; but I can’t recommend this. One might find it mildly amusing but it drags toward the end, and the scenarios and gags are hit and miss. If someone loved this movie and wants you to watch it with them, do so with low expectations and you may be entertained.

SONG OF THE POST: “What It Feels Like for a Girl”, by Madonna, from the Album GHV2s.